God wink......

 Today I had an experience that well, just made an impact on me.  I will just start from the beginning.  This morning I was waiting for my COVID booster shot, scrolling through my phone looking for a gift idea for a friend and co-worker who is moving onto a different chapter.  I came across an image that encompassed a Bible passage, Esther 4:14.  Scrolling through my Bible app at different translations of the Bible, I did not come across the exact translation that was captured in the image I came across.  The verbiage said this:  "Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created".  At the time, I just thought it was a nice passage that I wanted to keep close to me.  For those that know me, they know that I went back to college and earned my Social Work degree a few years ago.  My passion has always been to work in end of life care in some form or fashion and I have been blessed to have held positions dealing with various aspects of end of life care since then.  For 2 years I had the honor of filling the role of a palliative care social worker in a hospital setting.  My time was filled with being educated by some amazing people who shared with me their gift of knowing what to say, when to say it, how to say it.  That education gave me the confidence I needed to fill my current role as a Family Advocate for an Organ Procurement Organization.  Daily, as I sit back and process the role I have the honor of filling, honestly I am in awe and amazement and thankfulness.  I meet heroes often and I have the pleasure of serving their families as they start a new chapter and journey of their new normal.  Through it all, I do not take for granted the fact that God has given me the ability to have "those" conversations with people.  Do not get me wrong; just because God gave me this gift does not mean it is not hard.  However, I do hear from many people and it reminds me that not everyone can do my job.  Not everyone WANTS to do my job.  Not everyone has the desire and the fire in their belly to do this kind of work like I do.  Of course, my past and current colleagues are all in similar situations as I am; they have the gift to be with someone while either facing their darkest hour or right smack dab in the middle of their darkest hour.  I am humbled to be a part of that group.  Back to my Esther story.

Later on in the morning, I arrived back home.  As I was getting out of my car, a woman that I see often walking her dog, was passing by in front of our home.  When I see her, I always try to strike up conversation whether it's just a friendly hello or something more substantial.  Today was more substantial.  In a very short period of time, she shared with me that she was facing some health challenges as well as her dog was too.  I offered emotional support, as my social worker brain desired to do.  However, I felt something more with her.  As she opened up and shared with me the trials she was beginning to face, I found myself wanting to know more about her and offer her friendship and comfort, however, I realized that seeing her for many years walking down my street, I never once stopped to ask her what her name was.  An apology I offered to her admitting I was embarrassed for not asking years before, then I requested to know her name, after sharing what my name was.  She stated that her name was Esther........the hair on my arms stood on end and goosebumps joined them.  Immediately I shared with her my experience of coming across that image earlier involving the verse from Esther and the fact that well, I do not recall seeing an Esther verse in any other casual way; not on a shirt, or a billboard, or a social media post.  My conversation with her continued on to share that I truly felt that my training and desire to empathize and support those who are facing difficult challenges gave me the knowledge to share encouraging and supportive words with her.  The next piece of that puzzle is the fact that God put that verse from Esther in a place I would see it today, to be reminded that my new friend Esther came across my path so that I could share with her the love, compassion and empathy I have in my heart to be there for those who are facing dark times.  

This post is not to toot my own horn, it's to encourage you to do a few things.  1.  Keep your eyes and heart open for the God Winks in your life.  They are there if you are open and willing to receiving them.  2.  God puts is where we need to be when we need to be there.  All things aligned for me to cross Esther's path just as she was walking in front of my home today......just wow.  3.  God gives us the tools that we need to do the job he has created us for; whatever that may be.  Some people are willing to receive your gifts and some are not.  That does not make the gifts any more valuable.  You can do your best to fulfill God's role for you here on earth.  If those that you share the gift with are not ready to receive, well that's okay.  As long as you do what you believe God calls you to do, you are fulfilling his plan for you.  

Be kind to each other, love one another, be still so that you can receive those winks from God to remind you that he loves you and that he has a plan for you.  

#godwink #esther #palliative #organdonation #socialworker #compassion #love #kindness #empathy #blessed #dreamcometrue

Just wow!

To quote my friend, "just wow!".  To say that the last 9 months have been wonky would be an understatement.  As things quiet down a bit, I look back and feel that I should document this adventure in some form or fashion…….so here goes.

Our life is always a bit hectic you could say.  However, the hectic has become our normal.  The last 9 months or so have been more than hectic, they have been magical, exciting and stressful all at the same time. 

9 months ago, my husband (we’ll get to that later) asked me to assist him in locating his birth mother.  He had already done some homework and just needed me to find the missing piece and reach out.  Reach out I did.  What an amazing phone call that was!  To give the gift of connecting with a child that a birth mother has given up for adoption is truly a life changing event.  From there the adventure began and relationships were beginning to form and more information was sought after.  A few weeks later, I located who we later confirmed with DNA testing, my husband’s sister on his biological father’s side!  Spoke with her and instantly felt a connection (and she is not my DNA).   

We would later travel to Maine (amazing area!) to meet her for the first time over New Years!  What a way to ring in the year. 

Shortly before that, I faced one of my worst fears and began tackling the extensive dental work I needed.  Dental anything has been my biggest fear most of my life therefore I did not deal with it the way I should have.  I won’t go into details but it’s a long road and I’m getting there.

During the dental extravaganza and the sister meeting, I was also working my internship for my Bachelor’s Degree with a hospice agency in the area.  LOVED my work with them.  Working full time, dealing with dental issues, setting up travel plans, completing schoolwork assignments as well as doing my work with the hospice agency, well, there was not much time for anything else. 

Wait, I forgot to tell you, I was also planning a bridal shower for my bonus daughter who was getting married in March.  I had a vision and worked hard along with the help of a few wonderful people to make that vision a reality.  The day was beautiful and I think the bride and groom enjoyed themselves too!

A few days after the bridal shower, we then took the kids back to Maine to meet their Aunt.  What a wonderful trip that was as well.  Beautiful scenery, fantastic company and overall an amazing trip! 

Let’s keep going – still interning, still completing homework assignments, still dealing with dental issues, still working full time, still helping the bride and groom with their wedding a bit, oh and being a mom to a teenage boy in addition to fostering relationships with newly found family members.  Life was crazy but wonderful! 

Now we are in March – wedding month!  We have birthdays galore in March as well as bachelorette party for the bride and the wedding!  Final dress fittings, shoe and accessory shopping, last minute details, all along with the above mentioned tasks.  March was a whirlwind and I wish I remembered more.  Pop in there the worst case of stomach flu something rather that I have ever had of course the day before the bachelorette party just added icing to the cake. 

Wedding day and I was elated to help my bonus daughter with her special day.  Our day started early and her and I arrived to start setting up for the bride’s bridal party to arrive for a day of hair, makeup, food and fun getting ready for her to say I Do.  We had a great group of people help make the reception hall magical for the bride and groom.  I was running around like a crazy person and so was the wedding coordinator and the photographer.  Advice to mothers of the bride – eat before the wedding and snack through the day because you will not get to eat or sit for a moment during the wedding!   LOL!  I would sit down and take a bite then someone would come grab me.  Take care of that issue and then boom someone else would need something.  The only thing I would make different about that is that I missed so much of the reception and did not get to talk to near the amount of people that I wanted to.  That being said, I wouldn’t trade being “that person” for my bonus daughter for anything in the world.  I had the chance to spend some time with her at the end of the night helping her change out of her gown and gather her belongings.  That time was just the two of us.  That’s how the day started and that’s how the day ended.  Beautiful moments and wonderful memories for me that I’m so grateful to have made with her.

Wedding over, now it’s time to ramp up intern hours because I’m almost done with my program.  So now I’m putting in 20 – 30 hours a week with the hospice agency, along with all of those other things I’m handling too.  Time is flying by so fast and I really don’t realize what I’m doing from day to day just getting things done.  May comes and I finish my degree!  On June 9^th it became official – I’m a college graduate!  I don’t get to wear the funny hat until August 12^th, however, that’s okay because it gives me time to bling it out! J 

June comes and now school is out for me as well as my son and my bonus son.  Interning is done, wedding is done, and things have gotten quiet.  Almost too quiet (knock on wood), yet I still can’t seem to find the time to sit on the porch or at a pool or the beach and just be for a minute.  Hopefully I get one day this summer…….time will tell. 

Oh, so the husband comment – yes my sweetie and I finally tied the knot.  After being together for 12 ½ years and living under one room for almost 11 of those years, we finally decided it was time for us to make it official.  We continued our tradition of being untraditional and asked my bonus daughter to get ordained so she could marry us and she said yes!  Very low key, just us and our kids and our son-in-law at a beautiful park on a Friday evening.  Exchanging of rings, saying “I do” and snapping a few photos to mark the day – that was it.  This is how we wanted it and that’s how we did it.  Now, we are officially husband and wife and I have to tell you, it feels really good. 

One of the topics I spoke often about on my blog (which I had to blow the virtual dust off of because it’s been so long since I’ve written) is my weight loss journey.  I have to say that I am truly disappointed in myself, however, part of the reason that I am writing this post today is because today I am determined to find my mojo again!  I had lost over 50 pounds and kept it off for a while.  However, dental surgery combined with an insanely crazy schedule the last few months has not been kind to my waistline.  Today I start tracking again, start getting off my duff again, start posting on here and social media to hold myself accountable.  I know all of those things worked in the past.  The one thing that is different this time vs. last time is my motivation.  I’m not sure where it went (if anyone sees it can they let me know? Thanks!) But I’m hoping and will work hard at finding it again.  I don’t like the way I feel, I don’t like the way I look or how my clothing fits.  So today is day 1 again.  I need to get back on the wagon, make good choices about what I put in my body as well as what I do with my body.  I want to at least get back down to where I was and maybe even further.  Today is the day!

Looking back at the last 9 months or so, it really is hard to believe that all of these events took place successfully!  Just in the last half of those 9 months, we married off my bonus daughter and gained a fantastic son-in-law, I graduated from college and completed my internship and I got married.  Just wow!  So many new pieces to my journey……..

To my son.......

Today, you become 14 years old.  How did that happen?  Wasn’t it just yesterday that I found out I was having you?  Wasn’t it just yesterday that you were born?  You coming to my life has been such a challenge and such a blessing.  Your existence has helped me find out who I am and taught me that unconditional love does truly exist.

                

Your journey has been a bumpy one, not just for us but you as well.  So many things that have been a part of your life that are not your doing and others that were you doing.  I hope that you look back at these moments and learn something from them.  I’m a firm believer that even though life can be terrible sometimes, how you react to those times is what shows the world what kind of person you are and whether or not you learned from those experiences.  I hope that one of the things I have taught you is that you cannot control the actions of others, just your reactions.  You have been privy to many things in life that are not fair, yet, I hope you allow those events to make you a stronger person who has learned that love is so much better to live than hate. 

                

When I found out before you were born that I wasn’t able to have children, I was devastated.  Then God decided that it was finally time for me to be a mom and he gave me you.  What a gift it is to be your mom.  Don’t get me wrong, there are days that I want to pull my hair out and question if I’m the right one for the job.  Then I see you smile, hear you belly laugh and hear you tell me you love me and well, those thoughts disappear. 

                

My commitment to you is that I will tirelessly continue to work towards helping you be the best you can be.  Despite the challenges you face daily, I still believe that you have something wonderful to give to the world.  I hope that I can help you determine what that is and help you achieve it.  You are an intelligent and loving young man who really can give so much to all of us.  I hope that you find what that gift is and use it to the best of your ability.

               

  Always remember, I love you with all that I am.  You may not agree with all that I have to say or all that I do when it comes to you.  Please remember that I make those decisions out of love and out of what we think is best for you.  You are blessed to have a bonus dad who loves you like his own and together we do what we can to help you be the best you can be.  Always remember, never forget, our love for you is real and we are your biggest cheerleaders who will push you, love you and teach you.

                

Happy birthday to you my nugget.  You are the best thing that has ever happened to me…….thank you for bringing joy, patience and love into my life. 

Always,

Your mom

Timing in life........

When one suffers heartbreak, it takes over your whole being.  Oh sure, you try to put on a happy face and maybe most times you are successful at being “happy”.  Yet deep down inside of you, there is this dull ache that just doesn’t seem to go away.  You may even be able to forget about it for a bit then something happens that forces that ache to bubble up to the surface and take over your being again.  At one point or another we all have felt that, some more than others.  How you react to that ache when it shows its ugly head is what makes you the person that you are.  One thing that has gotten me through my latest episode of heartbreak is remembering that I cannot control what others do, only how I react to what they do.  Unfortunately, ice cream and junk food have been my “friends” during this phase so back to it and gaining control of the food that I nourish myself with – that’s a topic for another day.

I’m a true believer that timing in life…..as I have spent some time reflecting on past decisions and happenings in my life recently, now that there is some distance from those “lessons”, I have come to realize that things happened a certain way because that’s the way they needed to happen to protect me and even at times others around me, from too many dull aches bubbling up to the surface.  It truly is amazing how an email or words spoken to you can truly change your perspective, your outlook on life. 

Some say that we go through the hard times to insure or help us appreciate the good times as they come.  Maybe that is true.  I know it works for me in most cases.  When you are going through those difficult seasons of life, those life lesson seasons, it can be a struggle to remember what is good in your life.  Many people focus on the bad times and difficult people instead of what’s good and encouraging in their lives.  I’m guilty of that and maybe some of you are too.  I do believe that God gets us through hours of sorrow and hours of joy.  Those hours of joy that we experience are gifts from him and we should cherish them and hold on to them during those times that are not so joyful in our lives. 

Miracles can happen.  I know because I’m in the midst of experiencing one right now.  Miracles happen to all of us every day.  They aren’t all talking burning bushes or changing water to wine miracles.  They can be something as normal as making it to your destination in one piece (for those that drive in the Chicagoland area – that is a miracle!) or having the ability to sustain a human being long enough to reach teenager-hood (yes, I’ve done that too – that is a miracle!).  Everyday large and small miracles happen in our lives.  I’m blessed right now to be experiencing a BIG one that I hope to be able to share with the world someday.  Hold on to those miracles – reference them, ponder upon them because they are gifts to us to help us through the tough times

Thanks for stopping by and listening to me carry on.  I hope you stop by again on my front porch of the web…….  

Where to begin……

What a year right?  Isn’t that what all good year end/new year blog posts begin with?  I have been remiss on blogging for a lot longer than I thought.  New Year, new habits to form and bad habits to break.  One of my goals this year is to write more.  Writing is not something that I really ever thought I would enjoy, yet it has been on my mind a lot lately and honestly, maybe this is how I can deal with the emotions I have. 

Let’s start with the weight loss.  I came to a screeching halt in June and at least maintained until December.  December, I came to the realization that I am more of an emotional eater than I imagined.  Heartbreak set in and so did the cookies, and the junk food and the “I don’t care” attitude.  Needless to say, I have had a “come to Jesus” talk with myself and decided that one of the few things I can control in my life is what goes in my mouth.  So, January 1, along with the millions of others who decide this is a good time to get healthy again, I will be hopping back on the wagon and recommitting myself to not only shedding the pounds, but working towards being healthier physically and emotionally.  I have a “Micole of the Bride” dress to find and fit into in about 15 months so let’s get moving!

What’s next on the agenda you say?  I won’t dwell on it nor elaborate much.  This year has been quite the emotional roller coaster.  The first 11 months of the year were pretty okay with several exciting events such as my stepdaughter getting engaged!  Wedding planning is a lot of fun these days.  We have many positives to be thankful for and just like everyone else, we have had some things that were not so great and frankly heartbreaking.  Many of these things we have no control over, so I am trying my hardest to, as Queen Elsa tells us to “Let It Go”, focus on the things I can control and make a difference in, and be grateful for the blessings we do have. 

My nugget as I refer to him, one of the two teenage boys who I am fortunate to be “Mom/Micole” to, is doing well as well.  We had a rough start to the school year this year but he has worked and improved and that’s really all I can ask for is for him to try and do better than he did in the past.  The other nugget has had some changes this year that I hope turn out for the best.  Hopefully he is on the road to happiness and harmony.  

School is school and work is work.  I’m finally getting into the meat of my Social Work program and am enjoying it.  Yes, I just said to the world that I am enjoying school.  Shocker I know!  Work is fun as always and keeps me busy.  My work family is one of the blessings I do count in my life.  Working with the people I work with is a very positive influence in my life and something I am very grateful for.

Last, but certainly not least, my HoneyBunch.  This December we will have met 11 years ago.  It seems like not so long ago that dark and snowy night, him driving down to Indy and getting his car stuck at the end of my driveway……little did I know the adventure that would ensue from there.  There have been good times and bad times just like every relationship.  But I can tell you one thing, I’m grateful to have him and his kiddos in my life.  I’m also grateful for the role he fills with my nugget as well.  We may not see eye to eye but my life is richer and fuller because of him. 

Well that about wraps up my year end sentiments.  I hope to come back here often to share more of my journey and story.  What started out as a way to share my weight loss journey is I think, going to be more about sharing my whole life’s journey.  Many people have said I should write a book and who knows, maybe I will.  But until then, I’ll keep coming back and spending time with you all here on my front porch of the World Wide Web.  Thanks for stopping by and come back soon.  Happy New Year!!!

I need to control what I can control

We held a company meeting today and our CEO ended the presentation with a statement about attitude.  The statement was something to the effect of the only thing you can control 100% of is your attitude.  That hit me, hit me hard.  Not just about work life but personal life as well.

At work, I'm a firm believer that if you don't like what you're doing, do what you can or need to do to change.  Life is too short to not enjoy what you do for a living.  Yes, you have bills to pay and obligations and responsibilities.  But do what you can to be happy in what you do.  There are a lot of things you can't control in life, especially at your workplace.  Your attitude can make or break your experience as well as the experience of others around you.  Be the leader and make the others around you appreciate what they do and what they have to help all of you be a success.

So many things in my personal life, I do not control.  If you have children, you know what I'm talking about.  They need a last minute supply or project completed.  Or maybe they don't have any clean clothes for school today.  Maybe your significant other has a last minute change in their schedule which means everyone needs to change what they are doing.  Families are in constant flux and schedules change from moment to moment, most of those changes are out of your control.  Go with it!  You may not be able to change what's going on but you sure can change your reaction to the disruption.  Life is too short to stress out over things you can't control.  Just focus on what you can control, your attitude.  You and your family will be much happier for it.

I can control what goes in my mouth, food and drink wise.  I can control how many steps I get in every day.  What I cannot control is how my body reacts to these things.  Every morning, I step on my scale.  Yes, every morning.  People may disagree with that system, however, it's what works for me.  The main thing I can control is my attitude about my weight loss journey.  I get frustrated some times because I may lose from week to week, but it may not be as much as I'd like.  Well maybe I should have gotten more steps in.  Maybe I shouldn't have eaten those 1 1/2 scrumptious peanut butter cookies (yes, that happened yesterday.  And they are not bite sized cookies).  I'm ok with that.  I enjoyed it, I stopped after 1 1/2 and I made good choices with the rest of my food yesterday.  I need to stop bullying myself if I don't see the results I want to see, control my attitude and get back on track.  I have come a long way and have a ways to go.  My attitude is a large part of my success so far.   I see the results and my attitude stays in check.  Those times when I don't see the results I want to see, those are the times that I have to work harder to keep my attitude in check.

Life gets messy sometimes and sometimes, you need to find something that you can control so you feel you have power over something in your life.  When you can't find that something, look at your attitude and do all you can to control it so you have that comfort that something in your life can be controlled.

Thanks for stopping by......

Stop the bullying!

No, I'm not talking about bullying among kids, or even adults, but yourself!  I was listening to a podcast this morning and the person that was being interviewed is someone that helps people on their weight loss journeys.  She said something that stuck with me, stop bullying yourself.  We are our own worst enemies aren't we?  No matter how good things are, we still beat ourselves up and focus on our shortcomings.

I say today is the day to stop bullying yourself!  It has become normalcy to focus on our faults, even make jokes about it.  Why can't we celebrate our successes?  Why can't we toot our own horn occasionally?  I'm not suggesting you gloat and become self absorbed.  However, be proud of your accomplishments.  Be proud of how far you've come to this point.  Let me start.

I'm not one to toot my own horn very often.  However, I don't feel I have had much to toot about over the last, 2 decades.  Well that is changing.  I have decided that I want to be successful, I want to make something of myself.  My first step of transformation was returning to school.  I did that about 1 1/2 years ago.  I earned my Associates Degree and now I'm on my way to earning my Bachelors Degree.  I changed my program to the program that I was too afraid to go into when I started out.  Now I'm on track to earn my Bachelor's of Social Work in Spring, 2017.

My next step of transformation was my weight loss journey which many of you know about.  I have been losing part of a pound here, part of a pound there.  Slow and steady wins the race right? Well this past week, I tried really hard to focus on portion control and making good choices no matter if we were at home or not.  2.3 pounds gone this week!  I haven't had that much of a loss in a while. And I'm so close to losing 50 pounds!  This is shocking to me.  Less than a year ago, I did not care what went in my mouth and whether or not I got any type of physical activity.  Today I am 180 degrees the other direction.  Sure I flub from time to time, but I do NOT go without.  I find an alternative that makes me feel satisfied and proud of myself for making a good choice.  Proud of myself.......

Yes, I said it.  I AM PROUD OF MYSELF!!  Sure it helps that people are calling me "skinny" now which cracks me up.  Sure it helps that I am in a smaller size and almost able to share clothes with my "skinny" stepdaughter.  But most of all, I'm proud of myself for making positive changes in my life.  And YOU can too!

I get asked at least once a day, how are you doing this?  I love sharing my journey with anyone who will listen.  If it can help them, I am happy to share.  Even if they don't jump on the bandwagon with me, that's ok.  I didn't jump on right away either. I had to do it in my own time and I'm so glad I did.

I want to challenge each and every one of you to make a list, start with 5 but list as many as you want.  Make a list of at least 5 things that you like about yourself.  Even if the list includes things like sense of humor or the shoes you're wearing today, that's ok.  Make a list of 5 or more things you like about yourself.  Burn it, delete it, post it on Facebook, make it your phone background, whatever you need to do with that list so it makes an impact on you, DO IT!  Stop bullying yourself and focusing on the negative.  Build yourself up like you build others up.  YOU are worth it and you deserve it!  We are all special in our own way.  God doesn't make mistakes.  He made all of us in our own unique way for a reason.  Find it, celebrate it, share it and stop being a bully to the person that should be your favorite, YOU!

Thanks for stopping by.  I hope you enjoyed your stay here on my front porch.